NOTE #4 NICO´S STAR

I am sitting at the bow of a sailing boat, slowly heading towards the setting sun. Somewhere in Croatia. I have waited a long time for this moment. I thought it would never come. Because even I cannot break through man-made boundaries. For months, I have only travelled in my mind. The more stressful my life became as a working mother during the coronavirus pandemic, the further I travelled in my thoughts. Back to the places that made me who I am.

The world that surrounds me here now seems unreal in its beauty. A blood-red sun above the silver horizon of the sea. I have experienced these sunsets hundreds of times, alone, with friends, with my loved one, with my children. In many places around the world. And yet I will never get used to the feeling of happiness that overwhelms me every time when time seems to stand still. Those minutes between day and night when the earth rebels against the darkness once more, like a child who doesn't want to go to sleep.

The sea in the lonely bay where we anchor is as smooth as glass. Even in the twilight, you can still see the fish above the turquoise blue seabed. Before that, the bora wind had tossed our little boat around for hours. But now the sea is completely exhausted, and so are we. How quickly everything can change. Not just the sea.

For a long time, none of us dares to break the silence. Everyone is lost in their own thoughts. I think big ideas arise in moments like these. I watch the play of colours in the setting sun and wait for the thin crescent of the moon, a harbinger of one of those infinitely clear starry nights that throw me far back into the past. For there is a star that belongs to a little boy. A boy who decided fifteen years ago not to be born. He left almost unnoticed, leaving me behind in feverish dreams that would not end. When it was all over, I gave him a name and the brightest star in the constellation of Scorpio. I am now waiting for this star to not forget.

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The voices of my friends break the silence and pull me out of my thoughts. Even magical moments come to an end eventually. What remains, however, is an indescribable feeling of happiness and the memory of a little boy.